Just two, innocent-looking, three-letter words.<\/p>\n
So what is the big deal? If you’ve been a parent of young children you’ll recognise the feeling of desperation that happens when your pre-schooler\u00a0keeps asking the “But why?” question.\u00a0You start off patiently\u00a0attempting to explain in language that you hope they will understand, and the better you do that the more likely you are to get the next\u00a0“But why?” response. Eventually you reach the point\u00a0where you’re down to two options:\u00a0“I don’t know!” or\u00a0“Just because!”.\u00a0 How are you feeling now about yourself and your young\u00a0interrogator?<\/p>\n
The troublemaker word is\u00a0“but”. A common use of the word\u00a0“but” in normal conversation is “Yes … but\u00a0…” such as in “I hear what you are saying but …”.<\/p>\n
What happens inside your head when you hear that?\u00a0 Does it niggle? Does the red mist start\u00a0to rise?<\/p>\n
Used in this way the word “but”\u00a0reveals a mental process called discounting – and\u00a0the message that you registered\u00a0unconsciously is\u00a0closer to\u00a0“I don’t care about you and your opinion, I only care about me and\u00a0my opinion and here it comes so listen up!”.\u00a0 This is a form of disrespectful behaviour that\u00a0often stimulates a defensive\u00a0response – even an argument – which only serves to further polarise the separate opinions, to\u00a0deepen\u00a0the\u00a0mutual disrespect, and to erode trust.<\/p>\n
It is a self-reinforcing negative-outcome counter-productive behaviour.<\/p>\n
The trickster\u00a0word is “why?”\u00a0\u00a0When someone asks you this open-ended question they are often just\u00a0using it\u00a0as a shortcut for a longer series of\u00a0closed, factual\u00a0questions such as\u00a0“how,\u00a0what, where, when, who …”.\u00a0 We are tricked because\u00a0we often\u00a0unconsciously translate “why?” into “what are your motives for …” which is an\u00a0emotive question and\u00a0can unconsciously trigger a negative\u00a0emotional response. We then associate the negative feeling with the person and that hardens prejudices,\u00a0erodes\u00a0trust, reinforces\u00a0resistance and fuels conflict.<\/p>\n
My intention in this post is only to raise conscious awareness of this niggle.<\/p>\n
If you are curious\u00a0to test this youself – try\u00a0consciously tuning in to the “but” and “why” words in conversation and in emails.\u00a0\u00a0See if you can consciously\u00a0register your\u00a0initial emotional response – the one that happens in the split second before your conscious thoughts catch up.\u00a0Then ask youself the question “Did I just have a\u00a0positive or a negative feeling?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Just two, innocent-looking, three-letter words. So what is the big deal? If you’ve been a parent of young children you’ll recognise the feeling of desperation that happens when your pre-schooler\u00a0keeps asking the “But why?” question.\u00a0You start off patiently\u00a0attempting to explain in language that you hope they will understand, and the better you do that the … <\/p>\n