{"id":2451,"date":"2012-12-15T09:51:19","date_gmt":"2012-12-15T09:51:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.saasoft.com\/blog\/?p=2451"},"modified":"2024-09-07T08:57:00","modified_gmt":"2024-09-07T08:57:00","slug":"defusing-trust-eroders-part-ii","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/?p=2451","title":{"rendered":"Defusing Trust Eroders – Part II"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"line_figure_phone_400_wht_9858\"<\/a><Ring Ring><Ring Ring><\/p>\n

B: Hello Leslie. How are you today?<\/p>\n

L: Hi Bob – I am OK.\u00a0 Thank you for your time today.\u00a0 Is 15 minutes going to be enough?<\/p>\n

B: Yes. There is evidence that the ideal chunk of time for effective learning is around 15 minutes.<\/p>\n

L: OK.\u00a0 I said I would read the material you sent me and reflect on it.<\/p>\n

B: Yes.\u00a0 Can you retell your Nerve Curve experience as a storyboard and highlight your ‘ah ha’ moments?<\/p>\n

L: OK.\u00a0 And that was the first ‘ah ha’.\u00a0 I found the storyboard format a really effective way to capture my sequence of emotional states.<\/p>\n

\"campfire_burning_150_wht_174\"<\/a>B: Yes. \u00a0There are close links between stories, communication, learning and improvement.\u00a0 Before we learned to write we used campfire stories to pass collective knowledge from generation to generation.\u00a0\u00a0 It is an ancient, in-built skill we all have and we all enjoy a good story.<\/p>\n

L: Yes.\u00a0 My first reaction was to the way you described the Victim role.\u00a0 It really resonated with how I was feeling and how I was part of the dynamic.\u00a0 You were spot on with the feelings that dominated my thinking – anxiety and fear. The big ‘ah ha’ for me was to understand the discount that I was making.\u00a0 Not of others – of myself.<\/p>\n

B: OK.\u00a0 What was the image that you sketched on your storyboard?<\/p>\n

L: I am embarrased to say – you will think I am silly.<\/p>\n

B: I will not think you are silly.<\/p>\n

\"employee_diciplined_400_wht_5635\"<\/a>I know.\u00a0 And I knew that as soon as I said it.\u00a0 I think I was actually saying it to myself – or part of myself.\u00a0 Like I was trying to appease part of myself.\u00a0 Anyway, the picture I sketched was me as a small child at school standing with my head down, hands by my sides, and being told off in front of the whole class for getting a sum wrong.\u00a0 I was crying.\u00a0 I was not very good at maths and even now my mind sort of freezes and I get tears in my eyes and feel scared whenever someone tries to explain something using equations!\u00a0 I can feel the terror starting to well up just talking about it.<\/p>\n

B: OK. No need to panic. Take a long breath and exhale slowly.\u00a0 The story you have told is very common.\u00a0 Many of our fears of failure originate from early memories of experiencing ‘education by humiliation’.\u00a0 It is a blunt and ineffective motivational tool that causes untold and long lasting damage.\u00a0 It is a symptom of a low quality education system design. Education is an exercise in improvement of knowledge, understanding, capability and confidence.\u00a0 The unintended outcome of this clumsy teaching tactic is a belief that we cannot solve problems ourselves and it is that invalid belief that creates the self-fulfilling prophecy of repeated failure.<\/p>\n

L: Yes! And I know I can solve maths problems – I do it all the time – and I help my children with their maths homework.\u00a0 So, it is not the maths that is triggering my fear.\u00a0 What is it?<\/p>\n

B: The answer to your question will become clear.\u00a0 What is the next picture on your storyboard?<\/p>\n

\"emotion_head_mad_400_wht_7632\"<\/a>The next picture was of the teacher who was telling me off.\u00a0 Or rather the face of the teacher.\u00a0 It was a face of frustration and anger.\u00a0 I drew a thought bubble and wrote in it “This small, irritating child cannot solve even a simple maths problem and is slowing down the whole lesson by bursting into tears everytime they get stuck.\u00a0 I blame the parents who are clearly too soft.\u00a0 They all need to learn some discipline – the hard way.<\/em>“<\/p>\n

L: Does this shed any light on your question?<\/p>\n

B: Wow!\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 It is not the maths that I am reacting to – it is the behaviour of the teacher.\u00a0 I am scared of the behaviour.\u00a0 I feel powerless.\u00a0 They are the teacher, I am just a small, incompetent, stupid, blubbing child.\u00a0 They do not care that I do not understand the question, and that I am in distress, and that I am scared that I will be embarassed in front of the whole class, and that I am scared that my parents will see a bad mark on my school report.\u00a0 And I feel trapped.\u00a0 I need to rationalise this.\u00a0 To make sense of it.\u00a0 Maybe I am stupid?\u00a0 That would explain why I cannot solve the mths problem.\u00a0 Maybe I should just give in and accept that I am a failure and too stupid to do maths?<\/p>\n

There was a pause.\u00a0 Then Leslie continued in a different tone.\u00a0 A more determined tone.<\/p>\n

L: But I am not<\/strong> a failure.\u00a0 This is just my knee jerk habitual reaction to an authority figure displaying anger towards me.\u00a0 I<\/strong> can decide\u00a0how I react.\u00a0 I<\/strong> have complete control over that.\u00a0 I<\/strong> can disconnect the behaviour I experience and my reaction to it.\u00a0 I<\/strong> can choose.\u00a0 Wow!<\/p>\n

B: OK. How are you feeling right now?\u00a0 Can you describe it using a visual metaphor?<\/p>\n

\"ready_to_launch_PA_150_wht_5052\"L: U<\/a>m – weird.\u00a0 Mixed feelings.\u00a0 I am picturing myself sitting on a giant catapault.\u00a0 The ends of the huge elastic bands are anchored in the present and I am sitting in the loop but it is stretched way back into the past.\u00a0 There is something formless in the past that has been holding me back and the tension has been slowly building over time.\u00a0 And it feels that I have just cut that tie to the past, and I am free, and I am now being accelerated into the future.\u00a0 I did that.\u00a0 I am in control of my own destiny and it suddenly feels fun and exciting.<\/p>\n

B: OK. How do you feel right now about the memory of the authority figure from the past?<\/p>\n

L: OK actually.\u00a0 That is really<\/strong> weird.\u00a0 I thought that I would feel angry but I do not.\u00a0 I just feel free.\u00a0 It was not them that was the problem.\u00a0 Their behaviour was not my fault – and it was my reaction to their behaviour that was the issue.\u00a0 My habitual behaviour.\u00a0 No, wait a second. Our<\/strong> habitual behaviour.\u00a0 It is a dynamic.\u00a0 It takes both people to play the game.<\/p>\n

There was a pause.\u00a0 Leslie sensed that Bob knew that some time was needed to let the emotions settle a bit.<\/p>\n

B: Are you OK to continue with your storyboard?<\/p>\n

\"emotion_head_sad_frown_400_wht_7644\"<\/a>L: Yes.\u00a0 The next picture is of the faces of my parents.\u00a0 They are looking at my school report.\u00a0 They look sad and are saying “We always dreamed that Leslie would be a doctor or something like that.\u00a0 I suppose we will have to settle for something less ambitious.\u00a0 Do not worry Leslie, it is not your fault, it will be OK, we will help you<\/em>.”\u00a0 I felt like I had let them down and I had shattered their dream.\u00a0 I felt so ashamed.\u00a0 They had given me everything I had ever asked for.\u00a0 I also felt angry with myself and with them.\u00a0 And that is when I started beating myself up.\u00a0 I no longer needed anyone else to do that!\u00a0 I could persecute myself.\u00a0 I could play both parts of the game in my own head.\u00a0 That is what I did just now when it felt like I was talking to myself.<\/p>\n

B: OK.\u00a0 You have now outlined the three roles that together create the dynamic for a stable system of learned behaviour.\u00a0 A system that is very resistant to change.\u00a0\u00a0It is like a triangular role-playing-game.\u00a0 We pass the role-hats as we swap places in the triangle and we do it in collusion with others and ourselves and we do it unconsciously.\u00a0 The purpose of the game is to create opportunities for social interaction – which we need and crave – the process has a clear purpose.\u00a0 The unintended outcome of this design is that it generates bad feelings, it erodes trust and it blocks personal and organisational development and improvement.\u00a0 We get stuck in it – rather like a small boat in a whirlpool.\u00a0 And we cannot see that we are stuck in it.\u00a0 We just feel bad as we spin around in an emotional maelstrom.\u00a0 And we feel cheated out of something better but we do not know what it is and how to get it.<\/p>\n

There was a long pause.\u00a0 Leslie’s mind was racing.\u00a0 The world had just changed.\u00a0 The pieces had been blown apart and were now re-assembling in a different configuration.\u00a0 A simpler, clearer and more elegant design.<\/p>\n

L: So, tell me if I have this right.\u00a0 Each of the three roles involves a different discount?<\/p>\n

B: Yes.<\/p>\n

And each discount requires a different – um – tactic to defuse?<\/p>\n

B: Yes.<\/p>\n

So, the way to break out of this trust eroding behavioural hamster-wheel is to learn to recognise which role we are in and to consciously deploy the discount defusing tactic.<\/p>\n

B: Yes.<\/p>\n

And by doing that enough times we learn how to spot the\u00a0traps that other people are creating and avoid getting sucked into them.<\/p>\n

B: Yes. And we also avoid starting them ourselves.<\/p>\n

L: Of course! And by doing that<\/strong> we develop growing\u00a0respect for ourselves and for each other and a growing level of trust in ourselves and in others?\u00a0 We have started to defuse the trust eroding behaviour\u00a0and that lowers the barrier to personal and organisational development and improvement.<\/p>\n

B: Yes.<\/p>\n

L: So what are the three discount defusing tactics?<\/p>\n

There was a pause.\u00a0 Leslie knew what was coming next.\u00a0 It would be a question.<\/p>\n

B: What role are you in now?<\/p>\n

L: Oh!\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I see.\u00a0 I am still feeling like that small school child at school but now I am asking for the answer and I am discounting myself by assuming that I cannot solve this problem myself.\u00a0 I am assuming that I need you to rescue me by telling me the answer.\u00a0 I am still in the trust eroding game, I do not trust myself and I am inviting you to play too, and to reinforce my belief that I cannot solve the problem.<\/p>\n

B: And do you need me to tell you the answer?<\/p>\n

L: No.\u00a0 I can probably work this out myself.\u00a0\u00a0And if I do get stuck then I can ask for hints or nudges – not for the answer.\u00a0 I need to do the learning work and I want to do it.<\/p>\n

B: OK.\u00a0 I will commit to hinting and nudging if asked, and if I do not know the answer I will say so.<\/p>\n

L: Phew!\u00a0 That was definitely an emotional rollercoaster ride on the Nerve Curve.\u00a0 Looking back it all makes complete sense and I now know what to do – but at the start it felt like I was heading into the Dark Unknown.\u00a0 You are right.\u00a0 It is liberating and exhilarating!<\/p>\n

B: That feeling of clarity-of-hindsight and exhilaration from learning is what we always strive for.\u00a0 Both as teachers and students.<\/p>\n

L: You mean it is the same for you?\u00a0 You are still riding the Nerve Curve?\u00a0 Still feeling surprised, confused, scared, resolved, enlightened then delighted?<\/p>\n

B: Ha ha!\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Every day.\u00a0 It is fun.\u00a0 I believe that there is No Limit to Learning so there is an inexhaustible Font of Fun.<\/p>\n

L: Wow! I am off to have more Fun from Learning. Thank you so<\/strong> much yet again.<\/p>\n

\"two_stickmen_shaking_hands_puzzle_150_wht_5229\"<\/a>B: Thank you Leslie.<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

<Ring Ring><Ring Ring> B: Hello Leslie. How are you today? L: Hi Bob – I am OK.\u00a0 Thank you for your time today.\u00a0 Is 15 minutes going to be enough? B: Yes. There is evidence that the ideal chunk of time for effective learning is around 15 minutes. L: OK.\u00a0 I said I would read … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Defusing Trust Eroders – Part II”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,13,15,17,22,24,28,33,35,41,42,43,44,45,47,48,49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2451","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-6m-design","category-chimpware","category-design","category-examples","category-healthcare","category-improvementology","category-metaphors","category-quality","category-reflections","category-stories","category-how","category-why","category-three-wins-r","category-what","category-transactional-analysis","category-trust","category-victimosis"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2451","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2451"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2451\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6324,"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2451\/revisions\/6324"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2451"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2451"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hcse.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2451"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}